Social Anxiety Recovery - Free Yourself Once and For All

Your world is dark… gray… and heavy. 

For years, maybe for as long as you can remember, your life has been a rerun. 

You sleep away much of the day. You Wake up late in the morning, because there is nowhere that you have to be. There is nothing for you to do. 

You don’t have a job. You haven’t had one in years, or ever. The only time your phone rings is when telemarketers call you.

While your parents are at work you sit on the couch and watch tv. You watch the same shows again and again. 

You peer out the window, wondering if you can sneak outside without anybody noticing. 

You don’t want them to see you. You’re afraid that they are going to look at you. That they will notice something weird about you. That you will overhear their snickers. 

You’re even afraid that they may try to talk to you.

This is perhaps the scariest thing. What will you say? Will it sound stupid? How long am I supposed to make eye contact? 

What if they notice that I have… SOCIAL ANXIETY?

This used to be me. 

I had severe social anxiety from childhood, throughout my teenage years, and up until my mid twenties. 

Yes, my mid twenties!

How did I overcome it? How can YOU overcome it?

But First, My Story

As you read through my story, ask yourself if this sounds like you? Have you had similar experiences? Can you relate?

Ups and Downs

My social anxiety was an interesting trip. 

When I was a small child I was naturally talkative and extroverted. When I was in the first few years of grade school, I would get bad conduct marks on my report card for talking in class too much, for being too disruptive. 

But even given how talkative I was, there was something strange about me. Outside of school I mostly didn’t have any friends.  

I sporadically had some friends over the years, but while the other kids would hang out with each other and play baseball or video games or whatever else, I would go straight home after school.

Why?

I don’t want to throw too much mud, though the issue was that I had an overprotective parent who was afraid to let me explore the world. My curfew was so early that there really wasn’t a point in attempting to hang with the other kids.

As a result of this, and perhaps due to a natural tendency toward introversion, I slowly lost my extroversion. I became more and more quiet as the years went on. I became more and more nervous in social situations. 

But I still managed to save face. I still managed to more or less appear normal in school. I even would sometimes hang out with kids after school. But these instances were fairly rare.

Where it all Started to go Really Wrong

When I graduated from sixth grade and went on to middle school it was a total culture shock. Most of the kids that I grew up with were gone and replaced with others that I knew nothing about. 

Due to my slight awkwardness, I ended up getting my very own bully. This kid would relentlessly pick on me to the point of mild assault every day. Every day, all day, I would endure this. The teachers would see it and do nothing. Nobody would help me, and this was the absolute death neil for the last vestiges of my extroversion. 

Not only did whatever confidence in my social skills that I had left vanish, but all of my friends / acquaintances vanished too. They didn’t want to hang out with the bullied kid. 

The worst part of my life

By the end of 7th grade, after enduring what was the worst part of my life up until then, during summer vacation I had developed such a horrible case of social anxiety and agoraphobia that while my mother was at work I would never venture beyond sitting out in the back yard listening to CDs all day.

When my mother would get home I would want to go grocery shopping, or wherever, with her just to get out of the house. That’s how god awful my life was. Going to the food store was the big highlight of my day!

8th grade wasn’t much better. I didn’t get picked on anymore, but by that point the social anxiety had really set in. 

Hiding From the Other Kids

At school, in order to avoid socializing with the other kids, I would put my head on the desk and pretend to sleep all day. 

Whenever the teacher would stop talking, and the other kids would begin to chatter, my head would hit the desk with my arms curled around it, so nobody could see my face.

Occasionally I would hear the other kids say, “why is he always so tired” or something along those lines, but they mostly just ignored me.

The Start of Something Good

Now in highschool, 9th grade was much the same. But sometime around this time I bought a book called “In Pursuit of Excellence” by Terry Orlick. 

The Book That Started it All

This is the book that began my journey toward self improvement. It eventually led to the awesome life that I have today.

Click on the book to check it out!

It’s been a long time since I’ve read this book, but as I write this at the age of 40 I still remember it. 

It was about how sports athletes would channel their focus, drown out the noise, and hone in their mental skills so as to overcome great obstacles and to achieve the impossible!

I don’t remember what page it was on, but one quote from this book really stuck out at me. I still vividly remember this quote to this day, and since first laying eyes on it, over 25 years ago, it is still my favorite quote. 

The quote that got me started on the path of turning my life around is “anxiety doesn’t exist outside of your own head.”

This quote hit home for me like a ton of bricks.

No matter how real it felt, no matter how difficult it was to overcome, all of my fears, anger, and anxieties weren't real. They were just thoughts that I made up.

If I can make these thoughts up then I can just as easily make up other thoughts. 

I can make up the thought of being happy, of being funny, of being sociable, of being all the things that I wanted to be.

From this moment I decided that I wasn’t going to be this way anymore. I didn’t have to be this way. The only person stopping me was me!

Much the same but not exactly 

Earlier I said that 9th grade was much the same but it wasn’t exactly the same.

I started making a conscious effort to exposure therapy myself to stressful social situations. 

Exposure therapy as described by University of Michigan (n.d.) is “ one of the most powerful weapons to battle anxiety” (p.1). Even as a teenager my assumption was that if I saw a doctor that exposure therapy would be the remedy anyway. So why can’t I just skip the doctor and do it myself?

So no matter how uncomfortable, awkward, and weird I probably looked to everyone else, I began to force myself into social situations.

I would move over to the group of kids who were talking and just stand with them quietly trying, without success, to jump into the conversion, or I would just stand there and look weird.

I also mostly ignored the cool kids. I tried talking with more of the nerdy types. I figured they would be nicer to me, and they were.

The Payoff Begins!

It was not without great difficulty, anxiety, and setbacks, but after not too long I began to interact more naturally. I began to make the others laugh. Talking with the other kids became easier. I even began to get invited to go places with them after school.

And this created a whole new series of anxieties. I now had to interact with the kids outside of school. This was different. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. 

My gut was to say no to these invitations. I wanted to do what I would do in the past if I were invited to something which was to come up with some excuse for why I can’t go, but I didn’t let myself do that. I was gonna get over this social anxiety disease if it killed me. So I would use the magic word, “yes!”

SetBacks and Progress

Over the years my social anxiety has come and gone. I’ve made progress and had setbacks. 

For the next few years of school up until I graduated, I would sometimes have friends and sometimes would revert back to being antisocial. 

It wasn’t until my senior year of high-school that I consistently hung out with other kids both in and out of school.

After we all graduated and went to college I had a new cast of characters again. My social anxiety set in again.

After graduating college I had pretty strong social anxiety again while at my first job. 

In my mid twenties I transferred my job to a different area and once again, the same way I did all the way back when I was a teenager in high-school, I made the conscious choice to not be antisocial anymore.

When I went to my job’s new location for the first time I intentionally talked a lot and was sociable. I did this in order to avoid being labeled as the weird antisocial guy, and although I was still shy I was able to keep a reputation of being decently social enough to blend in and to avoid the worst of my social anxiety that I had in the past.

Choose Your Path

It can be very hard to change your mindset once you develop the reputation of being antisocial, so when you’re around a new group of people it’s your best chance to start out the right way. They will never have known you as the weird ,antisocial person, so when presented with the opportunity to work with a new cast of people put your best effort forward for changing yourself!

Close but No Cigar

Throughout the next decade or so I was sociable enough. I wasn’t weird though I still mostly kept to myself.

But one day, now in my early to mid 30s, I met with a group of people on meetup.com who really spoke my language. We had similar interests, so I instantly hit it off with them, and found them very easy to talk to.

They started inviting me to parties! 

I was nervous. I literally had never been to a party before this. Now in my mid thirties, the anxiousness started to creep back.

But I used the magic word. 

I said “Yes!”

And this was the greatest decision of my life. After my first party with these people my life changed forever.

I finally kicked the social anxiety for good. It’s never coming back and I know it. It’s gone forever! 

Today, at the age of 40, I have more friends than I ever thought possible, I’m known as a party animal, I’ve had many girlfriends. My social life really couldn’t be better!

And would you believe it if I told you that I don’t even need to drink to loosen up at these parties!!!

Your True Self Will Shine!

My true colors finally came out in full bloom again! I remembered how when I was a little kid, all the way back in elementary school, how I was the bad kid who would always talk in class and get bad conduct grades.

Those bad conduct grades are a memorial to my true self. I am a sociable person. It took me until my mid to late 30s to remember that again, but it’s so true!

Now, I’m an omnivert. In my heart of hearts I’m still an introvert but I can turn on the extrovert whenever I need it. And life is truly grand because of this!

This can be you!

You read that right. This absolutely can be you!

There were periods of my life where, for years at a time, I was afraid to leave the house. I had social anxiety real bad.

If I can overcome it then anybody can!

So How Do You Overcome Social Anxiety?

Expose Yourself!

Well… keep it in your pants.

But the biggest difference maker when it comes to overcoming social anxiety or any mental block, as written above, is exposure therapy.

Get out of the house. Talk to your co-workers or classmates. Meet your neighbors. JUST DO IT!

At first you will feel very awkward. You will probably seem awkward to those who you are interacting with. They may even think you’re weird. 

But who cares? 

Just talk to them anyway.

The more you interact with other people the easier it will get. Pretty soon you will feel more confident. You’ll lose the anxiousness, and the people who you are interacting with will soon forget that you were once weird.

People Don’t Care About You and That’s a Good Thing

One thing about people that is important to remember is that they are way more fixated on themselves than others. They are not going to remember you as the weird guy forever. The next time they see you, they are not going to remember the silly things you said in the past. You are way more self conscious of yourself than they are conscious of you. You can establish a whole new persona with others a lot faster than you thought possible!

Find a New Crowd

If you truly are not gelling with a certain group of people then find another one.

As you already read above, finding the right crowd was the thing that really got me over the hump. And it’s not hard to do. 

Use meetup.com, or facebook groups, or check your local college or town hall. They often have events planned throughout the year that anyone can go to.

Where I live a couple of the local universities have free dance classes that anyone can take. These are great ways to meet people!

So take a look around and see what’s happening in your area!

Remember, don’t just look. Don’t just think about it. 

Get out there and DO IT!

Go Ahead, Let it Out!

I didn’t mention this in my story, but one thing about my social anxiety, that I’m sure is true for you, is that it was my big secret.

Nobody could know that I had social anxiety.

One of my biggest fears in social situations was that somebody would pick up on it and call me out for it. And this happened a few times. 

It was so embarrassing. I didn’t know how to respond. I would immediately freeze up like a deer in headlights and just wanted to escape the situation every time it happened.

But Guess What

It's not a secret! Everybody already knows that you have social anxiety! 

Now that I’m on the other side I can see how easy it is to spot someone who has social anxiety.

Does this mean that you have to hide? Are you doomed to never trying to socialize with others because your big secret is out?

No!

Of course not.

Who Needs Secrets?

The most progress that I made came during the time that I no longer cared if others knew my secret. 

When interacting with others I began telling them that I had social anxiety and that I was trying to overcome it. 

This was so freeing. At first I thought that others would make fun of me, but like I said, everybody already knew I had social anxiety all along and they weren’t making fun of me before, so why would they start now?

And by and large they didn’t make fun of me. The instances where they did were so rare that those people aren’t even worth talking about. And Because of their rudeness I became better at defending myself, so all it did was help my confidence!

Most people were incredibly supportive, and when I began to talk candidly about my issues I also discovered something very unexpected about them.

A Lot of People Have Social Anxiety

I wasn’t even remotely alone. When I began to open up to others, others began to open up to me. 

The number of people who confided in me that they too have some form of social anxiety was staggering.

People who I, in a million years, would never have thought of as shy, people who seemed to never shut up, who were funny, who looked as if they had lots of friends, would tell me that they sometimes felt anxious in social situations too.

Have you ever gone to a social event, an office party, a wedding, or a dance club? Have you ever noticed all the people who are drunk? These people probably have some social awkwardness that they are trying to hide with alcohol. 

In fact a conservative estimate for the number of alcoholics who also have social anxiety is 15% (Book & Randall, 2002, “The Prevalence of Social Anxiety Disorder” section, para.2).

At least 15% of these supposedly social people that you see drinking at night clubs, and other gatherings have social anxiety.

But Stay Away From Alcohol. Alcohol is a crutch. If you rely on it then you are not fixing your problem. You're just creating a much bigger one.

You do not need alcohol either, because with enough time and effort you can fix this problem for real! You can fix it forever! You’ll be the one at the party who doesn’t need to drink to have a good time, and that’s the best place you can possibly be!

So in short, don’t be afraid of people knowing that you have social anxiety. Letting go of your dirty little secret is freeing, and it will dramatically speed up the amount of time it takes for you to get over it.

The truth will set you free!

Ditch the Negativity 

Negativity has never helped anybody.

Change my mind!

Socially anxious people are so negative. I sure as hell was too.

Right now you’re probably thinking, sure this worked for you but my social anxiety is worse! I’ve never left the house once in my life. You had it easy buddy!

Or you’re thinking, this story is probably all fake. Nobody really gets over social anxiety. I and all my brethren are doomed forever!

Well I’m here to tell you that your negative thoughts are all nonsense and they are what's holding you back. In-fact your negative thoughts are the only thing that’s holding you back.

Remember my favorite quote from the book “In pursuit of excellence,” “anxiety doesn’t exist outside of your own head?”

All of those negative thoughts are just traps that you set for yourself. They are what keep you from leaving the house or from talking to others or from trying new things. They are what keep you from trying, period!

Improve Your Self Confidence

This book shows you how to train your mind to reduce the negative thoughts and the self doubt.

I highly recommend it! Click on it to read more!

One way or another you need to completely ditch the negative thoughts. Whether you buy the books I mentioned above or you come up with some other method, get rid of the negative thoughts.

You can improve your situation and it really isn’t all that hard.

Don’t engage in any sort of social anxiety Olympics either.

My social anxiety is worse than yours because… 

Or - you have it easy compared to me because…

Nobody cares and it's not helping you so stop doing it!

Remember the magic word!

All throughout my story I mentioned a magic word. Most socially anxious people use its antonym. 

They like to say no a lot. But you should be saying YES!

As you engage more with exposure therapy and become more and more comfortable talking to others, and as others start to notice you more, you’re going to get invited to do stuff.

Don’t look for excuses not to go. Just say yes!

In-fact if you do have prior plans that interfere you should try to reschedule them, rather than saying no. 

When you say yes to more invitations you will get more invitations. Believe it or not there may come a day when you really do not have time to take somebody up on a social offer and have to choose between multi invitations.

Imagine this! Wouldn't this be the biggest sign that you’ve officially made it! 

Well, it’s going to happen!

Let’s wrap all of this up 

This was a long article and I’m getting tired of writing it, so let’s wrap it up here.

• If I can get over social anxiety then so can you

• STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL. It’s a crutch that is holding you back!

• Exposure therapy is king. You have to do it and you don’t need a doctor for it, so get out there and do it!

• Find a new crowd that you feel more comfortable with. Some ideas for finding new people are to use meetup.com, or Facebook, or to check with your local town or universities.

• Your secret is already out. Don’t try to hide the fact that you have social anxiety. People will respect you for being honest with them and it’s freeing knowing that you don’t have to worry about being found out.

• Ditch the negativity. That’s all I have to say about this.

• Stop coming up with excuses to skip out on invitations. Just say yes!

Remember to check out “In Pursuit of Excellence” and “Unstoppable Self Confidence” if you want to discover more ways to gain confidence and to overcome adversity!

Also remember that the results may not be instant. It might take a long time for you to truly get over this. But it is absolutely worth the effort and no matter how many setbacks you have, YOU CAN DO IT! Don’t forget that!

Your world is bright and sunny. Each day you wake up with meaning. What am I going to accomplish today? What new adventures await me?

You read your text messages from your friends asking what you're doing today. Every weekend you have somewhere fun to be with a group of people that you love.

But you always remember where you came from. Sometimes you sit quietly and reflect. You can’t believe that you’ve come this far.

But… Here you are!

Never to go back!

References

Book, S. W., & Randall, C. L. (2002). Social Anxiety Disorder and Alcohol Use. United States National Library of Medicine. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6683821/ 

University of Michigan . (n.d.). Exposure and Desensitization. Michigan Medicine. https://medicine.umich.edu/sites/default/files/content/downloads/Exposure-and-Desensitization.pdf